Grief, as you may well know, is inexplicably complicated. Yet, it’s not a one-size-fits-all experience, as it may look different for you as it does for the next person. Nevertheless, grief can still be very difficult to witness; there’s nothing quite as heartbreaking as watching someone grieve a loved one. In these moments, words are all we can offer. However, our choice of words carry more meaning than you may think.
Here’s two things you should always avoid when you’re trying to comfort the bereaved.
1. ‘‘They’re In A Better Place Now”
Platitudes are often a go-to when we see someone grieving—such as “Time heals all wounds,” “Everything happens for a reason,” or “They’re in a better place now.” However, the problem with platitudes like these is that—whether they’re true or not—their meaning and intention are lost due to how entirely cliché, overused and unhelpful they are.
According to 2018 research from the Journal of Pain and Symptom Management, over 60% of grieving individuals in the study received some kind of communication that they perceived to be unhelpful. These included comments that emphasized the “positive” aspects of their loved ones’ deaths, how time will “take care of the rest,” that there were others who are suffering worse fates, and that they’d “get over it” eventually.
Time-related platitudes are likely useless to the bereaved, if not insensitive. To say that time will heal their wounds negates and invalidates their very current and agonizing experience—which they have every right to sit with.
In a similar vein, platitudes that overemphasize positives are also equally unhelpful and insensitive; the “better place” you speak of likely isn’t better than them being alive, with their loved ones—at least, not in the eyes of someone who misses them dreadfully.
Rather, the best thing you can say to someone experiencing grief is something that validates their emotions—instead of minimizing them, or sweeping them under the rug entirely:
- Instead of “Time heals all wounds,” acknowledge the depth of their pain. Rather, offer comfort along the lines of, “I know this must be incredibly painful for you. Take all the time you need, and know that I’m here for you along the way.” This respects the fact that grief doesn’t have a schedule. It lets them know they’re not pressured to move on and have someone who will support them at their own pace.
- Instead of “Everything happens for a reason,” acknowledge that there is no real or easy explanation for death. Rather, something like, “It’s so hard to make sense of something like this. I can’t imagine what you’re feeling, but I’m here to listen whenever you need to talk,” will be far more comforting. Even just by being present, you offer them space to feel their pain wholly without feeling urged to search for meaning that they may not feel—or that may not exist.
- Instead of “They’re in a better place now,” validate their sadness and longing. Often, it’s best to recognize that there’s nothing you can say to make their loss any easier to endure. Rather, it’s best to let them know that what they’re experiencing is valid—with something along the lines of “It’s okay to miss them and feel sad. They meant so much to you, and it’s natural to wish they were still here.” This way, you allow them to grieve without implying that they should feel comforted by the idea of silver linings. You show empathy for the loss itself, and you also honor the relationship they had.
2. “I Thought You’d Be More Upset”
Despite how prevalent it is, Elisabeth Kübler-Ross’ stage model of grief has done something of a disservice to the bereaved—that is, the proverbial “five stages” of grief: denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance. This is not to say that the stage model is baseless or unfounded, as the theory has proven useful in a variety of ways. Nevertheless, a 2017 study from the Journal of Death and Dying notes that the model has led both professionals and laypeople alike to “prescribe” people to stages.
In turn, this gives rise to further unhelpful and insensitive commentary. When grief doesn’t look how one expects, they might say something like “I thought you’d be more upset,” or “You seem to be taking this well. Are you sure you’re okay?” Similarly, when grief lasts longer than what one would anticipate, people might say things like, “I thought you’d be over this by now,” or, “It’s been a year, it might be time to move on.”
Something that the stage model of grief initially failed to account for is the nonlinear nature of grief—which Kübler-Ross did eventually acknowledge. “They were never meant to help tuck messy emotions into neat packages,” she explained. Rather, she clarified that the stages are responses many people could have to losing a loved one. However, she concluded, “There is not a typical response to loss as there is no typical loss. Our grief is as individual as our lives.”
In other words, it’s in your best interest to let go of your ideas of what grief should or shouldn’t look like. Externally, it may look as though someone is taking a loss “well,” but their internal monologue likely tells a different story—and, no, they probably aren’t okay. Similarly, to say that someone should be “over” their loss at a certain point is akin to prescribing grief with an expiration date. In reality, grief never really goes away; we only become accustomed to it, and then refurnish our lives around it.
Similar to how we know not to comment on someone’s appearance, it can be equally harmful to comment on the appearance of someone’s grief. Instead, there are more helpful and sympathetic ways to connect with someone experiencing complicated bereavement:
- Instead of “I thought you’d be more upset,” acknowledge that there’s no right or wrong way to grieve. People will go through the “stages” of grief in different ways; they may go back and forth between stages, some might take longer than others or they might even skip stages altogether. If this is the case, and you’re not sure how to comfort them, consider saying something like, “Everyone experiences grief differently, and however you’re handling this is okay. I’m here for you, no matter how you’re feeling or expressing it.” The key is to respect the highly individual nature of grief, as well as to reassure them that they don’t need to meet anyone’s expectations in order to be worthy of support.
- Instead of “You should be over this by now,” respect and honor their grief journey. You should never attempt to put a deadline on someone else’s grief—be it months, years or decades post-loss. Instead, try to be a safe space for them where they can grieve on their own terms, in their own time. Saying something like, “I know healing from this loss can take time, and there’s no deadline. If there’s anything you need or if you’d like to talk, I’m here,” is far more beneficial to their grief journey.
- When someone seems to be “moving on” quickly—instead of “Are you sure you’re okay?”—affirm that you’re there for them. People will manage their grief in their own way—sometimes without showing it—but that doesn’t negate the possibility that they might be struggling. However, prying into or questioning their process isn’t as helpful as you might think. If they’re not opening up to you about their grief, it’s probably because they don’t want to, or they aren’t ready to yet. Instead, remind them that you’ll be there once (or if) they are, with something like, “However you’re dealing with this is completely valid. If you ever need to talk or revisit it, I’m always a coffee, call or text away.”
Does witnessing grief make you uncomfortable? Take this science-backed test to find out your “affective empathy” level, and see how you compare to others: Affective Empathy Scale
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